Swings + Roundabouts Autumn 2021

It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone. LAST LAUGH A man is walking down the road when he sees a pet shop. In the window is a cat with a sign saying "Genuine Netherlands cat". The man thinks, I've been breeding cats for years and I've never heard of the Netherlands breed. So he goes into the shop and asks the shopkeeper, "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?" A drunk man shouting “The government haven’t a clue”, was arrested outside the Beehive last night. He was fined $50 for being drunk and sentenced to 10 years in jail for giving away state secrets. The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about potential traffic. It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered that my newly- acquired Universal Remote Controller did not, in fact, control the Universe – not even remotely! 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight. 3. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 4. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" ules for life 5. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 6. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 7. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. R 8. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 9. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East." 10. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. March 2021 { 44 }